You Know You Are in the DR when...

You Know You´re in the Dominican Republic when…
· The women have 5 o´clock shadows
· You can´t tell the difference between a party and a funeral
· It´s more commonplace to see naked kids than clothed ones
· You have 12,000 baptismal dates but 3 baptisms in your entire mission
· You can fit 9 people in an ´82 Camry
· 50 year old women think that bras are optional
· A lesson about Joseph Smith turns into a lesson about anatomy
· The school bus has a reserved section for pregnant students
· The women sweep the dirt around
· A couple has been together for 30 years and has 4 kids and aren´t sure about marriage
· A visa to the U.S. is more important than a visa to the Celestial Kingdom
· Someone has lived on the same street for 10 years and doesn’t know the name of it…nor do they know the number of their house.
· Every wall in the city serves as a urinal
· Shirts are optional for men and pants are optional for boys…and morals are optional for everybody
· At church, it´s just a party with Jesus
· Renting plastic chairs is a very profitable business, but the most profitable business is owning a church
· The dogs get stuck
· They don´t wipe, don´t flush, and don´t aim
· A fork and a cheese grater is considered a musical instrument
· You can´t tell the difference between someone feeling the Spirit and somebody having a seizure
· Christian schools are owned by liquor companies
· The outlets in your house were installed upside down or sideways
· Being rained on causes liver failure…but the 20 bottles of rum don´t
· They burn every piece of toxic trash out in the street right next to your house
· They sell milk by the liter and oil by the gallon
· You mistake someone singing for a mix between a dying duck and a screaming banshee
· A truck comes by, buying anything old and used, even your grandma
· You try to say hello but everyone just says goodbye
· No one ever finishes building their house
· They use an old T-shirt as a welcome rug
· Being embarrassed constitutes a foul in basketball
· The most frequently used phrase of a child is “Give me 5 pesos”
· You hang your clothes up to dry, and they´re gone within 5 minutes
· The best lawnmower is a Haitian or a goat
· A high quality T-shirt is a HOLISTAR
· “C Ben D” means “For Sale”
· Cockroaches are not only tough, but immortal
· People use the word “vaina” for everything in sight
· Cough drops are considered candy
· The most convenient time to beat your 3 year old is in a lesson
· All you can think of is “What!? She´s only 13!?”
· All you need to get a cute girl is a sparkly shirt and a shiny hat
· Everyone is on key except for the piano
· You can smell the men´s BO from a mile away and a woman´s perfume from 2
· Dating only consists of making babies
· Your speaker system costs more than your house
· A toy consists of a bike tire and a stick
· The highlight of the conversation is about baseball, visas, or the girl that just walked by
· The cost of everything goes up for being white
· You eat chicken with your hands or a spoon, but never with a fork
· When every part of an animal, inside and out is gourmet.
· The hairnet is just as popular as the turban in Iraq
· The whole economy is monopolized
· Every shop is sponsored by Kola Real
· The key to a woman´s heart is an American visa
· You have to sleep with the fan on to keep the mosquitoes from eating you alive
· Every house has 3 butterflies next to the front door…and no one knows why
· Crossing the street is like playing Frogger
· The cornerstores advertise everything they don´t have
· They hang aloe vera upside down in their doorways to keep away witches…and Haitians
· There´s a party every time the power comes back
· They wash their house with a hose
· You can´t tell the difference between a school and a prison
· Cleavage is mandatory, no matter what age you are.
· Nobody can read for more than 5 minutes without getting a headache
· It doesn´t matter who´s right, because the loudest one always wins
· Dating a 13-year-old is the norm, not the exception
· You see 5 people on a moped; one with a washing machine, one with a gas tank, and one with a baby.
· Cross-eyed people wear glasses
· You don´t follow the hairline; you cut your own.
· You can obligate everyone, but no one can obligate you
· You knock on a door and someone in the back yells ”Nobody´s here!”
· Work time, fun time, rest time, and everything time is spent sitting out on your front porch.
· All the American food has corn on it
· You think you´re original, but it´s just another variation of beans, rice, and meat
· There´s a synonym for “filling the stocking” and “sucking the pineapple”
· 3 year old children wear playboy shirts
· Haitians work and the rest watch.
· Three guys on a moped isn´t gay, it´s a way of life
· Yawning means your hungry
· You´ve got two handles for the faucet, but only the cold one works
· Honking exempts you from all traffic laws
· Someone throwing a tantrum means there´s an evil spirit in the house
· They say you already know, but you don´t
· Burnt rice is a delicacy
· Cohabitation is considered to be marriage
· A blue shirt means they´re too young